Words to live by.
Last weekend, I came home to find my family in shambles once again, only this time there was an air of finality. A feeling that this could be the real deal for once in my life. In a sad way, it was almost refreshing. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster watching my parent’s marriage go up and down since I was seven years old. Thirteen years later, all I want is to get off the ride. Divorce isn’t pretty. Divorce isn’t ideal. Divorce is not what I want for my family. But sometimes I fear it is the only option for my family. How could divorce break us anymore when we are already so broken now? The only thing I know is this, my brother deserves better than the roller coaster I was forced to endure during my years at home. The ups and downs, emotional mood swings, and drama put so much unnecessary stress on a kid.
Saturday was awful. I broke the months of peace between my dad and I, put all my faith in Rae, who thankfully answered my call, and then drove off into the night to clear my head. The next morning, I barely even said goodbye to my dad before I headed back to school. I was over the drama, I still am.
But here’s what he doesn’t see. He thinks I hate him, that I don’t respect him, that I never want to be around him. The truth is I love him dearly. Our relationship was broken years ago, and it will take years to mend. Having a parent who is not only bipolar but is also an alcoholic isn’t easy. They don’t always see how they hurt those around them. How the substances influence them. My heart breaks for him every day. I want him to be happy more than anything, but he won’t allow himself happiness. Any chance he gets, he finds a way to cut it off. I hope someday he finds peace. I hope someday he realizes he deserves love too. And that he finally accepts it.
I don’t know what to do. I want my parents to be happy. I want them to be together. I know that a divorce would kill a little part of both of them. And yet, that seems like the only feasible option at this point. But I guess the truth is, I don’t have to know what to do. It’s not my decision. I just hope that after the weekend my brother and I endured, some serious changes are made in one direction or another. We can’t live in limbo forever.
Lesson for the Day: Learn the Serenity Prayer. Live by it.
Yeah... these kinda skirts....
If you happened to stop by my blog today, you are in for a treat. Last night, through tears and sore abs, my mom and I found something wonderful. We found undiscovered status updates from a distant relative on Facebook. Marianne is technically a lawyer, but doesn’t seem to work a lot. Until recently she was married to one of my mom’s step-brothers. Until recently, she thought she was just a little full of herself, but now we know she is also some what of a whore. They sent their children to a school similar to the Montessori way, where the children only pursue studies they’re interested in. Basically, a condensed description of them is this: hippies with a holier and wiser than thou mentality who really do nothing to contribute to the world around them, unless you count selling overpriced skirts.
Back to the Facebook discovery… We had realized a year ago that Marianne fancied herself to be some kind of philosopher, a life coach, one who needed to share her words of wisdom. And we found them hysterical. Last night, we went deeper back into her status history than ever before, and it was the hardest I’ve laughed in months, well until the other news we received earlier that day about demons (soon to come in another post). I’m not sure whether the world as a whole will find these as humorous as we do, since you most likely do not know her personally, but I thought it’d be fun to see. So here are some gems from our searching last night… I went ahead and made it clear what parts made us cry.
- “Sat on a park bench in a spot that brought me solace years ago and took the time to feel gratitude for what was, what is, and what will be.”
- “John Denver songs keep going through my head. So sweet they are. I’m not into eating sugar but I sure do love sweetness.”
- “Just released a report that has been incubating for nine months. I feel like the mother of a newborn who has been home alone with the baby for too long — both relieved and nervous about letting go. Sometimes I wish I were a gardener…“
- “Growing up without a religion, churches I did not know. Nevertheless, nature’s cathedral could bring song to my soul. I felt it again this morning in a hemlock glade where the muted beams of morning sun created a place as hallowed as the halls of Notre Dame.”
- “Last night we spent time with new friends who are already old friends. I am in wonder about the the way our interests and lives overlap. Makes me feel like I am part of a larger cosmic dance that has a beauty and pattern I cannot discern but which is, nonetheless, inescapable.”
- “Out of habit, I headed into the woods basket in hand. But at the edge of the forest I realized it was not bounty from the outside I was seeking but answers from within. Came away with some parables based on flower beds and bird songs. Sometimes unraveling takes awhile. Need to be at peace with the process.”
- “Spent the last 9 months gestating an important concept (promoting residential energy efficiency) that allowed me to pull together fantastic people and concepts in a state that is fertile grounds for positive change. Releasing this report to the universe is not as big as birthing a child but I feel similarly exhausted. Hopefully, this will do the world good just as my children do…”
- “I just extracted orchid sprigs from an otherwise dead Mothers Day bouquet Connor sent. They are still beautiful and are now in a vase of their own, which will adorn our table today. Makes me smile when I look at them. Little bits of beauty can go a long way…”
- “Rainbows come when there are mixed elements afoot. They hold promise, are ephemeral, and delight. They seem magical. They are things of beauty. They make us want more.”
- “Got a good haircut for the first time in months. What a relief! It’s amazing how much the outside of us can influence how we feel all over. I’ve always eschewed the superficial yet succumb to its force. Curious about that…”
And here’s the one that really got us…
- “The mountains are an undulating carpet of green dotted with purple shadows. Reminds me of a green checkerboard blanket. Makes me wish I were a giant so I could spread out my picnic on them, lie in the sun, and look for animals in the clouds.“
She said "giant" and this is how I saw it.
Lesson for the Day: Don’t be full of yourself. Don’t post hourly on FB. Don’t be that person.