Last weekend, I came home to find my family in shambles once again, only this time there was an air of finality. A feeling that this could be the real deal for once in my life. In a sad way, it was almost refreshing. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster watching my parent’s marriage go up and down since I was seven years old. Thirteen years later, all I want is to get off the ride. Divorce isn’t pretty. Divorce isn’t ideal. Divorce is not what I want for my family. But sometimes I fear it is the only option for my family. How could divorce break us anymore when we are already so broken now? The only thing I know is this, my brother deserves better than the roller coaster I was forced to endure during my years at home. The ups and downs, emotional mood swings, and drama put so much unnecessary stress on a kid.
Saturday was awful. I broke the months of peace between my dad and I, put all my faith in Rae, who thankfully answered my call, and then drove off into the night to clear my head. The next morning, I barely even said goodbye to my dad before I headed back to school. I was over the drama, I still am.
But here’s what he doesn’t see. He thinks I hate him, that I don’t respect him, that I never want to be around him. The truth is I love him dearly. Our relationship was broken years ago, and it will take years to mend. Having a parent who is not only bipolar but is also an alcoholic isn’t easy. They don’t always see how they hurt those around them. How the substances influence them. My heart breaks for him every day. I want him to be happy more than anything, but he won’t allow himself happiness. Any chance he gets, he finds a way to cut it off. I hope someday he finds peace. I hope someday he realizes he deserves love too. And that he finally accepts it.
I don’t know what to do. I want my parents to be happy. I want them to be together. I know that a divorce would kill a little part of both of them. And yet, that seems like the only feasible option at this point. But I guess the truth is, I don’t have to know what to do. It’s not my decision. I just hope that after the weekend my brother and I endured, some serious changes are made in one direction or another. We can’t live in limbo forever.
Lesson for the Day: Learn the Serenity Prayer. Live by it.