Monthly Archives: October 2012

I done fucked up.


Remember that back surgery I had last January? How I herniated two discs, because they were susceptible due to degeneration? Yeah… my back has been hurting lately. I’ve been feeling weird pains in my right calf. I’m getting worried. I haven’t done anything too risky, I just haven’t done anything too cautiously either. I’ve been doing my back exercises lately, but now I’m worrying that it’s too late. I’m worried that it’s starting again. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m posting this right now. But as I sit here googling “exercises to prevent herniated discs”, I’m tearing up. All I can think of is how miserable I was last year and how I cannot return to that way of life.

Lesson for the Day: Never forget your weaknesses. Rather, focus extensive time on making them your strengths. Or else they could come back and bite you in the ass.


Tonight, as I set off to my room to work on a present for Rae’s 20th birthday, it hit me. I really am growing up. In January, I will turn 20. No more being a teenager. While you’re technically an adult at 18, I don’t think it fully sinks in until you’re out of your teen years. Now you’re in your 20’s, that’s adult shit right there.

This week is my fall break. Before I get into the meat of this post, I need to give you some background information about me. I get really attached to things, anything. The cars our family has owned over the years, various houses, animals, people, and even my dorm room last year. The house my parents live in now is the only house besides Valleybrook in Pennsylvania that we have lived in for a significant amount of time. I was so attached to Valleybrook. That neighborhood, my friends, my backyard, and most especially, my room. We moved around a lot after that until we finally settled in this house. When we first moved in, I had a different bedroom. Then as a special surprise, my parents gave me the bonus room from 8th grade onward to enjoy my high school years in.

Over the span of my high school career, I spent so much time decorating the walls of my room. I truly made it my own. Quirky cartoons drawn by friends, posters from the high school plays, photographs of bands, and even collages and artwork done by myself began to fill most of the wall space in this room. And over that time, so many memories were made in this room. I look around and I think of dance parties with friends, my almost first kiss, heartbreak, heart to hearts, looking out the window waiting to sneak out, thinking I was such a bad ass for sneaking some vodka, hiding away after a big fight, etc. etc. the list goes on. I think about the friendships and relationships that have come and gone, the few that have remained, and what I miss. I’m so happy with my new life at school, but when I come home all the old feelings rush back. Sometimes it just hits me and I’m that 17 year old girl again. And I can’t begin to explain how weird it is to me that 17 is now 2 years in the past.

Now I sit here in my bed, typing up this melodramatic post, looking around my room. The pictures and drawings are still there, but besides that it’s mostly empty. No more desk, no more dresser. They’ve been moved elsewhere, there is no urgency to buy replacements. Just piles of shit laid where they used to be. Random items have been pulled out of the storage units and are sprawled out sporadically across the room. And sitting here, it hit me. My little apartment at school feels more like home to me now than my actual home does. I don’t want my new friends from school to come and see what an empty mess this is. It’s so sad looking to me, I can’t imagine that they wouldn’t feel some sense of that. I look at the emptiness and all I see is memories and what will never be again. I’m growing up. When I graduate college, I won’t be moving back home. My years of this house being my primary home are over. I always knew that going to college, but the reality of it never hit me until today. That is because last year, I wouldn’t call a dorm my home. But now, I live in a cozy apartment. My room has lots of empty wall space, but that is an easy fix. It’s entirely my space; it’s homey, and I love it. I think the thing I like most about my apartment is that it’s fresh, it’s new. While I love all the memories I have in my bedroom here, I have too many of them. Too many of them involve old boyfriends. At school, I have barely anything to remind me of them. I like my fresh start.

Anyways, I think I’m going to stop moping around about this. Sometimes I hate being a girl. The ridiculous mood swings I experience drive me nuts. An hour ago I thought I was having a mental breakdown, all over a room. Or at least, that’s how it started. Then it snowballed into a cry fest about anything and everything that has ever happened in my life. Again, being a girl can suck.

Lesson for the Day: Enjoy every little moment. If you’re sad, give in to it. Let yourself be sad. But only for a few moments. Then pull up your bootstraps and move on.

I know this post may offend some of you, but I honestly don’t care. If it bothers you, don’t read it.

I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. With my back issues last year, I know just what it can do. Initially I had a fairly speedy recovery, then even my first setback wasn’t horrible. The only time my back started to cause severe pain after the initial accident was over Christmas break when I had the means to lay around and recover, and eventually consider the surgery that saved me from all that pain. I know that the only reason I did so well was because I had so many people praying for my recovery. Now my best friend’s dad is in need, so I felt it was only fair to pay it forward and hopefully, make some kind of impact on his recovery.

When Rae told me her dad was getting surgery on Friday, I knew the issue was serious. I asked her to write a short description that I could forward on to my grandma to share with her prayer group. Now I feel the need to post it on here, so that you may all understand the severity of his problem.

Quick anatomy lesson for you.

“My dad has had neck pain since he was in highschool due to an accident. He had surgery to correct the problem before, but now the pain has flared back up again so badly that it has forced him to to turn back to yet another operation. Although he’s getting up there in age (he will be 71 in December) he has always been active with golf and different social groups. But over the past month the pain has gotten so bad that he has had to give up all of his regular activities. The surgery will consist of fusing together most of the vertebrates in his neck. The surgery is pretty risky, and even if everything turns out well, he will still never regain the mobility from his cervical spine. On top of this problem, there is something even more pressing… When they x-rayed his neck the doctors noticed a bone spur that was pushing on his esophagus. The spur needs to be removed before it grows big enough to inhibit his breathing, but the problem is, is that if they try to remove the spur, there is a chance that he will never be able to swallow again. in that case they would have to put in a permanent feeding tube, and I just cannot bare the thought of that for my dad, he’s just too young for that.

Sorry, I know I’m rambling, I just need to get it all off my chest. Last time my dad had a similar neck surgery done the doctor thought he had nicked a nerve and accidentally paralyzed my dad. This operation just holds so much risk, and its killing me to watch him go through this. He is my rock, absolutely my everything and I dont have a clue what I’ll do if something goes wrong.

His surgery will be at noon this Friday.”

So please, keep Rae’s dad, Ray, in your prayers and thoughts. Send all the positive vibes, karma, whatever you want, his way that you can.

Lesson for the Day: If you send positivity out into the universe, it will come back to you.

Here’s one of my pet peeves, I’m sure you’d agree. Think of yourself, sitting in your college class, the professor is talking, encouraging dialogue. Some people respond, some people don’t. Then there is that one person, that one person who thinks they are a gift from God and should enlighten the rest of us. The one who cuts people off to correct them.

Me to this girl: STFU!

I feel bad having these feelings. The way she gets so excited about every point makes me think, is there something off about her? I don’t think she’s “special”, no I think she’s a Sheldon type. For those of you who don’t know, Sheldon Cooper is the super genius, but painfully socially retarded nerd off of Big Bang Theory. This again proves that while I love his character, I could never stand to be around him. This girl clearly knows her shit. She’s got this philosophy class down. But it’s her hand gestures and snarky open mouthed smile as she makes her proclamations that drive me nuts. I can’t count how many times I’ve watched her gaping mouth turn to and fro, looking for reactions to her statement from the rest of the class. Everything she says, is with a smile you can hear in her voice.

Speaking of BBT, this class makes me feel like Penny. Everything just surges over my head. It doesn’t really, I’m sure if I thought about it more deeply, read a bit more, and really truly focused, I would understand. But by the time I get to this class, I’m exhausted. So everyone else appears to be a super genius with their insightful commentary, and then there’s me… “I don’t get it”. But not even that, I just simply don’t speak.

Lesson for the Day: It’s good to talk in class, just don’t be rude like Obama and Mitt last night, cutting each other off to try and look smarter than everyone else.

Sinus infections, my oh my, you are the bane of my existence.

At one point in my life, I could stay up until 4 AM, wake up two hours later at 6 AM, and was able to stay awake throughout an entire day of school. Not only was I fully functioning, but I was relatively healthy. I say relatively because that sleep schedule can never be considered healthy. But my point is, I would never get sick.

Around the time my ex and I started dating, my immune system decided I was SOL and on my own to defend myself. No longer could I stay up until the early hours of the day. Those days are long gone. Now I am a fragile girl who gets sick whenever she doesn’t sleep enough. Being a college student, that’s 99% of the time. I’ve been fending off this sickness for the past three weeks, maybe even more. Sadly, last weekend I pushed my limits and now here I am, sick as a dog. My throat feels swollen, my nose is runny, I have a major headache. But most importantly, the best part is my husky smoker’s voice that comes on whenever I get a sinus infection now.

This is the Neti Pot. The nurse recommended I get one and try it. Apparently, they’ve lead to brain eating bacteria. So… I’ll pass.

The past few hours I have been in class, suffering through my day. In speech, I silently rejoiced as I discovered that I somehow managed to get a 95% on a speech. As my photography professor critiqued my photos this morning, I could barely manage to whisper responses to his questions. Sociology came around, finally a class that requires me to do zero talking. After class, I croaked out my excuses to my mom, looking for a reason to skip philosophy class so I could escape to my cozy warm bed. Sadly, I instead forced myself to go and now here I am, whining away to anonymous readers of the interwebs.

Don’t worry, I’m not forgetting to mention the fact that I’ve almost entirely stopped updating this blog. Is it weird that now that I’m entirely content with my life I no longer feel the need to blog so regularly? That and I now finally have a full course load.

Lesson for the Day: I suck at blogging, I promise I’ll try and do better.

Real Lesson for the Day: Get sleep, it’s one of the most basic and easy things you can do to lead a healthier lifestyle.