When I was fifteen, I was very upset. Only one guy had shown interest in me and both times we dated, he had cheated. I was heartbroken. But then, I picked myself up and moved on. I began to tell my friends that when I turned seventeen, I would fall in love. That was my year, I’d say. Why seventeen, you ask? Because Ally and Noah were seventeen. I was obsessed with The Notebook. I forget now, but there were also a lot of other movies where the couple in love were seventeen as well. Then my friend suggested I read When It Happens. No, that’s nothing perverted. It was about a girl, falling in love. Surprise, surprise she was seventeen too. Now here is where I become a big believer in what my mom and I discovered watching The Secret. I’m speaking of the law of attraction, creative visualization, and all that goodness. Because, guess what? I turned seventeen in January of 2010, then in April I started dating Paul. We fell in love. I honestly thought I was going to marry the kid. This past April, we celebrated our two year anniversary. Today is the 21st of the month (aka what would’ve been our month-iversary) and my parents wedding anniversary, so I’ve been thinking about it a lot.
We broke up right as summer started, back in May. Up until now, I had hope for us for the future so I wasn’t really trying to let go of my feelings for him. My friends kept saying that we weren’t good for each other now but that they loved us together and hopefully in the future it would work. But here is what I realized. This past year with Paul has been me clinging to the guy I fell in love with, not the guy he actually has become.
What breaks my heart is the fact that he let himself change. He was always so smart. Then he was introduced to college life and before long, I was getting calls only to say he was going off campus and wouldn’t have service. He was drinking and smoking pot every night. He was missing classes because of exhaustion from being up on adderall five days straight. I’m not against drinking, smoking, or even taking adderall. But it has to be done in moderation, or as prescribed. Or else you end up like Paul and lose sight of what is important.
I don’t feel the need to explain, but from May til this past week, Paul was living with my family and I. I watched him come back from his friends house stoned or drunk almost every night, if he even came back. I watched him freak out because he couldn’t get his adderall because his doctor required a drug test to do so. I can’t sit by and watch this anymore. So for other reasons included, my parents told him it was time to move on. And now it’s time for me to move on. The Paul I fell in love with no longer exists. I see glimpses of him now and then, but ultimately, he’s gone.
He told me that he wasn’t going anywhere in life, and that was okay with him. That I needed to find someone as motivated as myself. Before he wanted to be an author. At least during his adderall fueled nights he would write. Now he doesn’t even talk about writing. He used to be so motivated. And thanks to his new life, it’s vanished.
So now, I share a few lines from a recently re-discovered Katy Perry song. This is now the inspiration for me to move on…
“Thought that I was the exception, I could re-write your addiction. You could’ve been the greatest, but you’d rather get wasted…”
“You fall asleep during foreplay, ’cause the pills you take are more your forte, I’m not sticking around to watch you go down, wanna be your lover, not your fuckin’ mother. Can’t be your savior, I don’t have the power. I’m not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain.”
“You’ve become what you despise, a stereotype. You think you’re so rock and roll, but you’re really just a joke. Had the world in the palm of your hands, but you fuckin’ choked. Should’ve been my teammate, could’ve changed your fate. You say that you love me, you won’t remember in the morning.”
Lesson for the Day: People change, it happens. Don’t hold on to someone because you miss who they were. People are constantly changing, maybe one day they’ll realize they aren’t happy as they are. That doesn’t mean you have to waste your time waiting around for them to fix themselves.